Nothing But Trouble
Specialists in
NOTHING BUT TROUBLE
Dear Readers:
Troubles on your mind? Elvin Suggs knows all about trouble. No matter what he does, he’s got problems and plenty of company. If you’ve had too much of either, well, Elvin or the notorious Valerie Gains can show you at least one way out of a mess-maybe more. For more pressing situations, drop a line to Parry Leach. If he doesn’t know the answer, he knows someone who does. Guaranteed. Just don’t ask him to reveal any sources.
You might want to know how Elvin, Valerie and Parry deal with their own brand of trouble-before you let them deal with yours. Fair enough. Check out The Wrong Side of Memphis and St. Louis Hustle. In December 2011, Candy Cadillac is coming your way.
The specialists are waiting to answer your questions-before they get into more trouble!
Claire Applewhite
Dear Elvin,
I need your help! My wife is turning 40 and she says I never do anything nice for her. I want to give her a surprise of a lifetime. What should I do?
— Greg M. · June 6, 2011
Dear Mr. S’ prise,
Hate to say this buddy, but… if what she says is true, well, anything you do will be the s’prise of a lifetime. But hey–that means you can’t go wrong!
Myself, I liked to give my li’l wife Cherie flowers, candy and perfume on her birthday-jewelry too, if I could swing it. But, after I did stuff like that, she left me. I love the ladies, but I’ll never figure ‘em out. Seemed like she liked ridin’ around in a big silver Cadillac with a guy who ate potato chip and mayonnaise sandwiches, and Twinkies on the side.
I’ll bet she’s been hoping you’d figure this one out! Find a guy to drive her around in a big silver Cadillac, while she eats potato chip and mayonnaise sandwiches. Give her a couple of Twinkies with pink candles on top and sing while she blows them out. Don’t forget to tell her to make a wish. (She’ll probably make a wish all by herself, though).
Now, friend, I know you’re asking yourself, where do I find a guy with a silver Cadillac, and chip and mayo sandwiches, and Twinkies with candles? I know, I know–they don’t grow on trees. Since you’re in a bind, and b’lieve me, I know what a bind looks like, I’m gonna help you out. There’s just one itty bitty detail–my dog, Vanna, usually sits in the backseat all by herself. But, I know she’ll be happy to share it, as long as your wife shares those chip ad mayo sandwiches, and a Twinkie or two. How’s that for the s’prise of a lifetime?
Got you covered, buddy. Just give me the date and time and Vanna and me will be there with all the trimmings, shore ‘nuf. You can pay us what you think we’re worth. Talk about the s’prise of a lifetime!
Yours truly,
Elvin Suggs
— Claire Applewhite · June 7, 2011
Dear Elvin,
I recently discovered a gun my husband’s desk. It was hidden in an old zippered money bag along with some photos of a man with one chipped tooth. One of them had a bloody fingerprint on the back.
Is my husband having an affair?
Signed, -Worried in West County
— Escargo · February 13, 2012
Dear Worried,
Don’t blame you for getting riled about the backs of the pictures. I get a little steamed when folks get fingerprints all over my stuff too.
About that gun, Worried-you’re jumping to the end like a frog in hot grease. Hey, your husband might not know that gun is in his desk! I got to ask you something–ya’ll been getting along lately? I know, I know…you cain’t always tell when the barn’s burning. My little wife Cherie ran around on me for quite a while before she took off for good–she was such a pretty thing.
Worried, what I’m trying to say is, just because a man has a strange gun in a dirty bag with a bloodstained picture of a man with a chipped tooth in his desk drawer, well, all that trash doesn’t mean he’s having an affair. It means there’s an all fired mess in his desk drawer. So, if you’re still worried, here’s my advice: take it out of the desk drawer and hide it somewhere else. Sooner or later, somebody is going to come looking for that empty money bag, that gun, and maybe even that nasty picture.
Worried, I got to ask you one last question. Real sorry ’bout this, but I smell a jealous husband. How well do you know the man in the picture with the chipped tooth? You might want to pack a bag and scoot. You don’t want to end up in an empty bag in a drawer.
Yours truly,
Elvin Suggs, Owner and Private Investigator
The Grapevine Detective Agency
— Claire Applewhite · February 14, 2012